Hey everyone and welcome to the Worthy to Lead podcast. I'm your host, Kristiana Corona, and I'm so glad you could join us today.
In today's episode, we'll be diving deep into one of the most powerful tools that coaches and therapists and top negotiators and salespeople use to help them create emotional connection with others so they can motivate them to make decisions, to create change and invest in ideas.
And as I say this, I realize some of you may be thinking, my gosh, this sounds like you're going to be training me to manipulate people. I want nothing to do with that. If you're having an allergic reaction to this topic, let me put your mind at ease. The secrets that I'm diving into today are simply rooted in a deeper understanding of neuroscience and human behavior.
These are truths that are universal. And whether you use this knowledge for good or for evil is totally your choice. But if you're listening to my podcast, chances are you're a leader or an aspiring leader who's looking to build their influence. In order to build influence, you need to understand what motivates people to listen to you or to be open to change in the first place.
Every communication that we have with others is a moment of influence. So the technique that I'm going to walk you through today, which is called mirroring, is a simple and yet profound way to increase your influence without losing your soul in the process, I promise.
So in today's episode, you will learn:
- what mirroring is and how it works in the brain
- the function that it serves in building relationships and understanding others.
- You'll learn some specific ways that you can use mirroring to help you coach, negotiate, and sell more effectively as a leader. So I'll share four strategies around that.
- And I'll also share a couple of my favorite resources if you want to go deeper building your fluency with the techniques that I shared today.
So we've got a lot to cover. This is kind of in the style of a mini training today. So I hope you enjoy it.
Since this is a really meaty topic today and I'm going to be diving into a lot of very specific details. I've created a cheat sheet for you that you can download on my website. And all you have to do is just go to the episode, which is worthytoleadpodcast.com/9. So this is Episode 9 and I'll have a cheat sheet there that you can download later to learn all of these techniques, to practice all of these techniques on your own. Hopefully just a quick guide for you to reference.
Let's dive into mastering the secrets of mirroring.
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So we've all been in situations where we're debating with a colleague or a partner and things just start to get heated, right? We're both digging in our heels and we can't quite understand why the other person isn't convinced by what we're saying.
We might start getting exasperated or frustrated or flustered thinking, "seriously, what is their problem? Why can't they just see that what I'm proposing here makes sense?" We may be using sound logic and crystal clear evidence to support our points, but they seem to just bounce right off the other person. They're completely unwilling to hear what we have to say. Have you ever been there? I know I have.
This can make you feel like you must be terrible at influencing, right? How are some people so effective at getting people to change their minds and others aren't? What are we missing? I'll let you in on a little secret. There is something so simple and so effective that you can do to improve your influence and to help your partners, stakeholders, leaders, and even your family members listen to you in a new way.
And the best part is, it's already built into your brain and your natural instincts as a human being. All you have to do is learn how to tap into it. So what is the simple and effective secret weapon? It's called mirroring.
The term mirroring refers to the activity in the mirror neurons of your brain. These are the neurons that exist in humans, in primates, and in birds. And they're a type of neuron that fires when we perform an action or we observe someone else performing the same action.
So think of watching a movie where you see an actor crying during a very emotional scene and somehow you just can't stop yourself from crying as well. Just watching that scene makes you cry. Or maybe somebody nearby you is eating a delicious looking ice cream cone on a hot day and you start salivating as you imagine yourself eating that delicious ice cream too.
These are your mirror neurons triggering this reaction. Mirror neurons also help us to learn things and understand the world around us. So for example, learning language or speech patterns where you're mimicking what someone else is doing and the sounds that they make.
They also help us to understand other people's intentions. So for example, if you see someone who's looking frustrated, maybe you can learn to predict what they might say or do next.
Neuroscientists believe that mirror neurons play a pivotal role in emotional intelligence because they allow you to see things from someone else's point of view and to have empathy for what they might be thinking and feeling. So you may be asking,
Great, but how do these help me in situations where we're not on the same page and we're trying to convince this other person to see it from our point of view?
Empathy and emotional intelligence are critical to your effectiveness during these challenging emotional situations. Things like debates, negotiations, or moments where you want to inspire or influence someone to align to a vision. These are all emotional based.
There have been a series of studies done recently that suggest that up to 95% of our decision making happens in our subconscious mind, with our emotions being the key drivers of these decisions.
According to Douglas von Praet, author of the book, Unconscious Branding: How Neuroscience Can Empower (and Inspire) Marketing. He says, "We don't think our way to logical solutions, we feel our way to reason. Emotions don't hinder our decisions. They constitute the foundations on which they're made."
So if this is true, and our decision making is primarily based in emotion, then the key to unlocking our influence is really to let the other person that we're talking to know that we understand and can relate to their thoughts and emotions.
And notice, I didn't say that we agree with their thoughts and emotions. The goal here is simply to reflect back your understanding so that the other person feels like, "wow, they really get me."
And this is where mirroring can become your secret superpower.
Today, I'm going to share four strategies for how you can use mirroring to help you build the influence that you want.
It may feel a bit awkward at first as you practice it, but I promise, as you get more proficient at doing it, it will start to become second nature.
Strategy one is around building affinity. Mirroring to build affinity is simply the idea that you want the other person that you're communicating with to feel like you're on the same team. You're working together instead of against each other.
This is especially helpful when things get tense or stressful and you want to diffuse the emotions in the room. This kind of mirroring is done during active listening. So you're really letting them know that you hear and understand what they're saying. Now, the goal of this active listening exercise is to gather as much information as you can. The more information you gather, the more that you can use this to inform what you want to say in response.
This is a great way to make sure that you don't make assumptions about what they need or want. By gathering more facts before stating your opinion, you will know more about what they want and what they don't want.
So here's an example of how you do it. You listen for key phrases that the other person is saying, and then you reflect them back word for word to ensure you fully understand.
So your partner might say, "hey, we need to have this new product launched by Black Friday so that we don't miss the peak shopping season." And you could reflect back, "okay, so your goal is to ensure our launch doesn't miss the peak shopping season."
It may feel like you're being redundant by repeating a few of their exact words back to them, but what is surprising is most people have no idea what words are actually coming out of their mouth most of the time. And when they hear their own words back, they'll have one of two reactions.
The first reaction is, "yes, exactly. You understand." The second reaction is, "no, that's not quite what I meant," which really prompts them to correct you, which is a good thing. You want to make sure that you both understand the same version of reality.
And so this allows them to elaborate and to tell you a little bit more about what they really meant.
So either way, whether they agree with you or they correct you, doing this reflection makes them feel like you're on the same wavelength or you're similar to them. It reduces feelings of hostility and frustration, and it gets the other person into a calmer and more rational mindset.
So as you think about using this, it's not like you have to reflect back every sentence and every phrase that they tell you, but think about the most important things that they're communicating to you. And if there are specific things that you want to make sure that you're clear on or that there's agreement on, reflecting back those exact words can be very powerful.
So to recap, mirroring to build affinity is simply listening for key words or phrases that the other person is saying and reflecting them back word for word, often in the form of a question to verify that you're understanding correctly. The other person will probably nod and say "yes", and subconsciously they'll start feeling like there's more alignment between the two of you. It's so simple, it's almost magical.
Okay, strategy number two is about challenging their thinking. So mirroring to challenge their thinking is essentially the same thing as the first strategy. However, you're using it by adding a deeper level of curiosity and prompting the other person to go deeper and provide further explanation. So your goal for using this strategy is to get the other person to think more deeply about their position, and it helps to provide greater awareness to where maybe there's some gaps in their logic.
The brilliance of mirroring is that you don't have to confront them directly. This is very subtle, and you're using a positive and curious tone. And so just want to let you know upfront, you can't use sarcasm here. Sarcasm will definitely not work. That will absolutely backfire this strategy, so please don't do that.
You have to like really keep yourself in a positive and curious tone.
Okay, so here's an example of what that could sound like. Let's say your leader says, "We don't have budget for you to go to that conference. It's just not aligned to our goals." And you could reflect back. "So you're saying that the conference that I want to attend that will improve my copywriting skills is not aligned to our goals?"
And then they might respond by saying, "well, it's not that copywriting isn't aligned to our goals. We just have limited budget and we need to be careful about what we spend it on." And then you can reflect back. "We need to be careful?"
And then maybe they'll tell you even more. "yes, we're, you know, we're facing a lot of scrutiny. So we should really be creating a write up or a proposal when we request money for a conference so we can evaluate each opportunity fairly." And they might dive a little deeper for you. Yeah, you know, we're facing a lot of scrutiny. So we should really be creating a proposal when we request money for a conference, you know, so that we can evaluate each opportunity fairly."
Notice here that by simply reflecting back a few key phrases ("so this is not aligned to our goals?", "we need to be careful?"). You were able to get much richer information about why you're hearing no, and now you have exactly what you need to know to come up with your next steps. So you could offer to write a formal proposal for the conference request. And by doing that, you're solving the leader's problem by giving them exactly what they need to position you to get a "yes". Here's another example. Let's say your partner says, "I need to have your final report by the end of day on Friday."
You could reflect or mirror back to them. "End of day Friday?" And then they might respond by saying, "well, I guess Monday is OK, since no one will be working over the weekend." In this case, one simple reflection might help the other person to realize that the request that they had was a little off base and they could quickly revise it to sound more realistic.
It's funny, in general, when people hear you reflect back their words around deadlines or demands, there's this implicit feeling that goes along with it, that's saying, "that's not realistic." You don't even have to say those words, and you don't even have to sound annoyed. You can be calm, professional, and say your reflection with a perfectly positive tone, and they will still feel like they are putting unfair demands on you.
It's a simple and very effective way to get the other person to renegotiate on your behalf without you lifting a finger. There's this amazing book that I love and absolutely recommend to everyone called Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss.
Chris Voss is an FBI hostage negotiator and you know, he's in these super intense, difficult life or death situations, right? You would think that he's this tough as nails guy, but his strategy is entirely around emotional intelligence. And in this situation, he would say, you you ask a mirroring question, and if they don't change their answer or their response, then he'll follow it up with something like, "how am I supposed to do that?" Or "What can we do to solve that?" So let's imagine you had that same reflection. "you need this by the end of day Friday?" And then they say, "yes, I do". So you could use Chris Voss's technique. "Well, how am I supposed to do that?" And then what you're doing here is you're asking them these how or what questions, which shifts their brain into problem solving mode,
and they are now helping to solve your problem for you.
This tactic helped him to save lives in many high stakes negotiations and to win in boardroom negotiations in business as well. So it can be applied to any situation, but it's especially effective in getting someone who is making unrealistic demands to rethink their position and find different solutions.
So to recap strategy two: Mirroring to challenge their thinking is about reflecting back their exact words with a positive and curious tone, but with the intent of challenging them to think things through and come up with a better solution. When someone makes a demand of you that you think is unrealistic, simply reflect back, which will cause the other person to question themselves and to think more deeply about what it is they're asking for. And either they'll give you better rationale or change their ask, or you can follow that up again with the question, "how am I supposed to do that?" Rather than arguing, just use this simple technique and see how the other person can start solving your problem for you.
All right, strategy number three. Strategy number three is about eliminating doubts and blockers. In this strategy, you're going to be focusing on doing a little pre-work before you meet with somebody. So you'll want to use your empathy and your imagination to really think about all the things that the person you're meeting with might say that would block you from moving forward.
So for example, if you're going to a meeting with stakeholders,
who are not on board with the solution you've come up with, what are all the things that they could say or think to argue against you and not buy into your solution? This is a great tactic to use in both negotiation and sales.
So what you'll do is you'll use this list of arguments that you came up with to kick off your conversation with them. You can say something like, "I know you're probably thinking that I haven't considered all of your technical requirements, that my solution is just too far-fetched or too difficult to be implemented. Perhaps you're wondering, why didn't we just go with competitor X who already built something similar?"
By stating their concerns and their doubts and their arguments up front, it actually creates an empathy response from your counterparts. In some cases, they may rush to defend you and say, "no, I don't think your idea is far-fetched." Or they might silently agree with what you said, which indicates that you are listening and that you care about their point of view.
By stating these fears or these concerns out loud, you are letting them know that they are in an emotionally safe space, they can relax, and they can work together with you. I'm okay, and you're okay. You may think that this is just some weird sales tactic that doesn't relate at all to you, but it's actually something you can apply in any situation with anyone.
Chris Voss uses this strategy in his negotiations as well. You can even try this one at home with your kids. Next time you want them to do a chore for you, you could preface it by saying, "I know this is probably not what you want to be doing right now. You'd much rather be playing video games, but thank you for helping me anyway."
They might roll their eyes at you at first, but over time, they'll come to see you as a safe person to share their honest emotions with because you anticipate what they're thinking and you show empathy.
Alright, so to recap strategy three, eliminating doubts and blockers. What we do is we brainstorm what the other person might be concerned about, and then we say those things upfront to kick off the conversation. We use words like you may be thinking, or perhaps you're feeling, so that the other person has a chance to correct you if you're wrong.
But regardless of their reaction, they will immediately feel more psychologically safe with you because you have demonstrated empathy for them first.
Okay, strategy four is selling the vision. Our final strategy for today is around using mirroring to help you sell a vision, an idea or a change, anything that you would like to see be different. Creating the perfect sales pitch can feel really daunting, but when you distill it down to the core elements, it's all about shifting someone from a problem to a solution.
And the beauty of mirroring really comes to life as you take your well-honed empathy and you think about the problem and the solution from the other person's point of view.
The more precise you can be in identifying how they're thinking and feeling. So imagining today, maybe they're feeling unhappy. Maybe they're not seeing the results they want. Maybe they're disappointed because they just have tried and tried and continue to fail at doing this. And then you use that empathy and you imagine what will they think and feel after they experience your new solution. And you help them move through that emotional processing towards motivation and towards committing to action.
So I'm a big fan of Colin Boyd, who has a brilliant course called Sell From Stage Academy. And he says that if you can mirror back the exact words, thoughts, and feelings that people have, they will feel heard and identify with you and say, "wow, she really gets me." Or "he truly understands what I'm going through."
And for this technique, it's important to talk with people and do some initial research. So what are the pain points they're currently experiencing? What words would they use to describe their situation and how exactly does it make them feel? It's important not to guess on this part. You want your description to sound so clear and vivid that it's like you've gone through exactly what they've gone through.
So for example, "Have you ever felt like you have too many plates spinning at once? Like if you drop any of them, your entire career will crumble around you and everyone will know you're not capable to handle it all. Are you nervous going into work each Monday, thinking about your to-do list and not being sure how you're gonna get it all done?"
As you hear this description, you can really feel the emotion coming through. In some cases, maybe it almost makes your heart start racing faster, thinking about things in this way. If you're someone who's going through this right now, you might immediately raise your hand and say, "me, that is me. I'm going through that." Right?
So that's really the goal of mirroring their thoughts and feelings. You want them to have a visceral reaction to what you're hearing and really grab their attention.
And then you want to look at the other side. After they bought into your solution or made this change or adopted your idea, what will change for them? How will they feel? You want the description of this new reality to be equally as compelling.
So maybe in this example, you might say something like, "what if you didn't have to feel this way anymore? What if each day you could come into work with a sense of clarity and purpose? You knew exactly what you wanted to accomplish and you had a tried and true plan for how you're going to make it happen. You could go home each night feeling calm and confident, letting go of the busyness of the workday and just fully relax knowing that you have it handled."
What a dramatic difference, right? You can almost feel the tension in your body relaxing as you imagine that future. And as we create an emotional connection and an emotional response, our mirror neurons help us to relate to that outcome that aligns to our own desires and dreams. So the closer you can come to tapping into the exact feelings and outcomes that people want, the more motivated they will be to listen to you and to what you're pitching.
So after hearing this contrast, you know, between the previous one where they're overwhelmed and they're nervous and they don't know how they're going to get it all done to this calm sense of clarity and purpose, you know that you have a plan, you know that you can accomplish this. You can't help but think, "well, what is the solution that's going to create this change for me? Like I want to feel that way." And so that's the ultimate goal of this technique is to make them really desire the solution and the idea that you're bringing to the table.
All right, so to recap, next time you find yourself pitching a big idea or trying to persuade people to take action, think about using mirroring to identify exactly how people are thinking and feeling now and what change they would like to see for themselves in the future. Tap into creating that compelling, vivid vision of the future that aligns exactly with how they would describe it. And when you reflect back their exact words as you tell your story, you are motivating them and moving them towards committing to action.
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Okay, we covered a lot of ground today and we dove deep into mirroring and several of the use cases where this can be helpful as a tool in your career and even in your life. Hopefully you found this helpful.
We talked about four key strategies for how you can use mirroring to make your communications more effective.
The first strategy was to build affinity. You want the other person you're communicating with to feel like you're on the same team, working together instead of against each other.
The second strategy was to challenge their thinking, to get the other person to think more deeply about their position and provide greater awareness to where you think there might be gaps in their logic.
The third strategy is to eliminate doubts and blockers. So you'll want to use your empathy and your imagination to think about all the things that that person you're meeting with might say that would block you from moving forward, and you will state them upfront in the conversation.
And the fourth strategy, of course, is selling a vision. So thinking about the problem and the solution from the other person's point of view, clearly articulating the pain that they currently feel and how your solution will create positive change for them. And using mirroring to reflect back their exact words, the words that they would use to describe their thoughts, feelings, and desires.
I know this was a lot of content shared today, and some of you may have been driving or multitasking while listening to this.
So I've assembled a quick cheat sheet for you that you can take with you to remind you of how and when to use these four mirroring strategies.
You can download the cheat sheet and find all of the show notes for this episode, including links to the books and the courses that I mentioned on my website. So just go to worthytoleadpodcast.com/9.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you're enjoying this podcast, don't forget to subscribe so that you get all the new episodes as I release them. You can subscribe at worthytoleadpodcast.com/subscribe.
And I would always appreciate it if you could share this with your friends and the other leaders in your life that need to hear this.
With that, I wish you all a wonderful day and best wishes on your journey to being the worthy leaders I know you are. Bye for now.
