Episode 4: How Helping Too Much Is Keeping Your Team Stuck
Hi, and welcome to the Worthy to Lead podcast. I'm your host, Kristiana Corona, and I'm thrilled to have you here. Today's topic is one that I observe on a daily basis in the corporate world. Nearly everyone has encountered this in their life to one degree or another. However, it may not be something that you have ever thought about in relation to your role as a leader. The topic for today's episode is what happens when your urge to help others goes too far.
When you see your value as that of a rescuer who always helps your team out of whatever challenge that they're facing, the cycle and the identity are known as White Knight Syndrome. We're going to discuss why we get into a cycle of over-helping and what the impacts are to our team and to ourselves. We'll discuss the signals that you can pay attention to and the questions to ask yourself to know if you're heading down that path.
And finally, we'll talk about the strategies that you can use that actually give your team what they need in that moment without you needing to come to the rescue. I'll be honest, the first time I heard about this, it felt like a real punch in the gut. I've always been someone who prides themselves on helping others. I was skeptical. How could something that feels so right not actually be helping?
But as I learned more about the psychology and the neuroscience behind learning and how the human brain develops new skills, a light bulb went off. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. I hope this episode provides a few aha moments that will shift your perspective too. Let's dive in.
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On the surface, being helpful is such a beautiful thing. It's one of the ways that we truly find joy in life, and it really makes us feel good when we're being useful. I remember some of the moments in my life where I felt the most proud were when I did something to help someone who truly needed it. Volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, painting houses, assisting my parents in remodeling their home, and providing English tutoring for Somali refugee women in my community. These acts connect to that inner purpose that we all have to help each other as humans. And this feels good.
When you volunteer to help someone and that help is well received, it creates what's known as the happiness trifecta in your brain. You produce serotonin, which creates intense feelings of wellbeing; oxytocin, which increases a sense of connection to others; and dopamine, which intensifies motivation.
So am I advocating that we shouldn't help people when they're in need? Or that the happiness trifecta in our brain is somehow misleading us? Absolutely not. However, because we have such a strong positive association in our brain with helping and how it makes us feel, we sometimes miss the important distinction between whether the person in front of us actually needs our help or not. And if they do, what kind of help will actually lead to the best outcome for that person?
Let's take, for example, a typical situation that leaders often face. You have a direct report come to you telling you about a challenge in their day. They seem upset and they ask you what you think is the right path forward. Your brain immediately jumps into problem-solving mode. You give advice and specific directions on what they should do and your direct report might agree with that approach and follow your advice, which makes you feel good, like you're adding value.
However, let's say the direct report disagrees with your advice. Maybe they choose to do something completely different than what you said, or they push back and give you all the reasons why they think that approach won't work. Suddenly you find yourself on the defensive, arguing for your point of view, feeling frustrated, like this person's not listening to you. You think to yourself, why did they even ask for my help if they weren't going to do what I said anyways?
If you've been on either side of an exchange like this, you'll know how uncomfortable and frustrating it can be to be given direction that you don't like and on the converse side to feel like your advice wasn't listened to. So what went wrong here?
What went wrong is that this person didn't actually want you to fix their problem. They may have explicitly asked you to do it, but that's not really what they needed. What they needed was for you to give them time and space to think through the problem themselves and to validate that they're on the right track.
The difference between telling them the answer versus challenging them to figure out the answer for themselves might feel insignificant to us. However, to that individual, there's a far greater impact. Over time, we're either increasing or decreasing their sense of self-efficacy, which is their personal belief in their own capabilities.
I want to try a quick experiment to show you what I mean. I'm going to ask you a question and see if you can figure out the answer. So don't cheat! Ready? Okay...
How many different varieties of blue coloring crayons has Crayola made since they were founded in 1903? Think about the blue colors that you had as a kid and maybe now the ones that your kids are using with creative names like Blizzard Blue. There's light blues and dark blues, greenish blues, purple blues. So what is your best guess? Wherever you are, just shout your answer out loud.
Okay, if you guessed 19, you are correct. Since 1903, Crayola has created 19 different colors of blue crayons. Here are the colors that they have created. Blue, blue green, blue violet, cornflower, Prussian blue (which was later renamed midnight blue), cadet blue, aquamarine, navy, sky blue, Ultra Blue, Blizzard Blue, Cerulean, Teal Blue, Pacific Blue, Robin's Egg Blue, Denim, Bluebell, Outer Space, and Wild Blue Yonder.
So why did I do this experiment with you? I want to know how it feels when I didn't immediately give you the answer. Did you feel like you were on a game show playing trivia and immediately go into competitive mode? Or did you sigh and roll your eyes because I am making you work for it?
Either way, this tiny moment of struggle or maybe even slight frustration where I made you focus and try to find the answer to this question by yourself stimulated a new neural pathway in your brain. Our brains are bombarded with so much noise and stimulation throughout the day that they don't know what information to retain and what to ignore.
But because I made you wrestle with that question first, you will now have a much greater likelihood of remembering the answer to the question, how many different varieties of blue coloring crayons has Crayola made since they were founded in 1903? Which of course is 19. You got it.
So this is a fun example, but when you look at hundreds of thousands of these small moments, building mental muscles repeated over the span of someone's career, the impact is quite significant.
Your choice to let the person that you're helping wrestle with finding the right answer, practiced regularly, could mean the difference between them staying stuck right where they are or being promoted to the next level. It could mean the difference between them being intimidated by a new experience or going after it courageously because they know they can figure it out.
With your words and your actions as a leader, you are either creating more confidence and high judgment in your direct reports or you're diminishing it. There is no in-between. So what side of that equation do you want to be on?
I heard this quote in coaching school that really summed this up in a way that I'll never forget:
"The degree to which you believe you can help someone is the degree to which you have taken away their power with every word you speak. No matter how good your intentions, it's critical to let the person that you're coaching know that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are the ones who are capable of doing what they need to do and that you are privileged to be of assistance."
When I heard this for the first time, I literally said the word "ouch" out loud. It stung, but I knew it was really true. As leaders, if we are constantly fighting every fire, removing every barrier and acting as the protector and defender of the team in every circumstance, we are actually taking away our team's opportunity to develop the strength, the courage and the wisdom to lead for themselves. This will keep them stuck at the same level. It's going to limit their growth and it will keep them dependent on us to solve every problem, which really leads to burnout on both sides.
So what is one to do? If you want to get out of the endless cycle of rescuing and over-helping, there are two main areas that you'll need to think through. First, you'll need to identify when to lean back and let your employee come up with the answers.
And second, you'll want to examine your identity as a leader and how you'll provide value beyond helping and rescuing. So let's start with the first one. In order to identify the right moments to pause and let your employee think through the situation for themselves, you can ask yourselves the following questions.
First, is this person experienced enough to have answers to the questions that they're asking? Are they mid to senior level? Do they have a good grasp on the subject matter? Have they dealt with a challenge like this before? If so, these are indicators that they're probably ready to be challenged to come up with their own ideas.
Second, would this be a good opportunity for them to be stretched further? If they could start doing this thing well, independently, would it help them get to the next level? Think about career path and promotion. How might this benefit them?
Third, if you were in their shoes, would you feel more confident if you knew how to handle this yourself? If there is a confidence barrier that is getting in the way that might be cleared up by working through this themselves, is there a confidence barrier that is getting in the way that might be cleared away by working through this themselves without you in the middle?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, this is the perfect opportunity to try something different.
I remember early in my career, my boss would walk by me in the hallway and say, hey, can you come with me to this meeting? And sometimes he would be headed to the boardroom to talk with the C -suite executives about a project. And he wanted me to come and support him as a subject matter expert. I remember the first couple of times being completely shocked because I had no time to prepare. They would ask me tough questions about the stats for our SEO program or detailed design and marketing choices that we had made. And I didn't have any of those answers off the top of my head. But you can bet that once I experienced that awkwardness, I never wanted to experience it again.
So I poured over the numbers and I made sure that I knew the answers for next time and after going through that cycle enough times, I stopped fearing those moments and I started to feel more confident. These were dramatic sink or swim moments, but they taught me the value of being prepared and that I could figure things out for myself. I didn't need someone to tell me what to do. This was such a valuable lesson that has stuck with me over the years. The belief in my own capability to figure things out.
So sink or swim is a really dramatic and risky way to learn. This approach doesn't work for everyone. It can easily go wrong and end up with someone in way over their head feeling completely overwhelmed. So what's a more predictable way to challenge someone and get positive results?
This is where doing a coaching session with your direct report really shines. By opening up space to listen and let them work through a problem, you're building capability by allowing them to feel the mental challenge before they face the actual risk.
So let's imagine that you want to take someone to the boardroom with you. Your instinct might be to sit them down and tell them everything, like exactly what you want them to say, to give them all the answers in advance. And this could partially work, but then the next time they'll come to you and ask for all the answers again. And the next time, and the next time. And now you've built a dependence around yourself that's difficult to break. They're relying on you to be successful, not showing up as a confident subject matter expert independently.
So instead, you can try experimenting with this:
Sit them down and tell them of your intention to take them to present to executive leaders. Describe the audience that will be there and what they care about. And talk about the objectives for what you want from that conversation. Then, role play asking your direct report questions that you think the executives will ask. And let them respond any way they want. Don't judge their responses in the moment. Just keep the conversation going.
After you're done, you can provide a few observations that can help your direct report learn and ask what they might try differently. For example, "when you said you couldn't have the project done by the deadline in June, the executives may feel like we're not being accountable. So what could you say instead to give them confidence in our approach?" Pairing an observation and its impact with a follow-up question allows them to think about the problem and then challenge themselves to solve it like a leader would. Repeating this exercise often will help them to start asking themselves the right questions and will build confidence that they're heading in the right direction. By slowing down and letting them think more deeply about how they would solve things, you are helping them to build confidence in their own abilities. And that is the outcome we're ultimately looking for.
Beyond role play, if you want a simple framework for how to have other kinds of coaching conversations, I have a free step-by-step 15 minute coaching conversation guide that you can use to get started. And you can find it in the show notes for this episode at http://www.worthytoleadpodcast.com/4.
The second area that we'll explore is how you can begin to shift how you think about your identity as a leader. When we work in the knowledge economy, we often feel our sense of value is tied to our ability to provide expertise, to come up with the right answers and to help our team. So what value are we to our team if we're not doing that?
Harvard Business Review published an article on this topic, challenging leaders to look inward and ask themselves these questions.
- First, when I'm not helping others, do I feel anxious or aimless?
- Do I offer others unsolicited advice, even in casual social settings, under the guise of "just trying to be helpful?"
- Do I feel defensive or dismissive when I learn that people I have helped have found another person's advice helpful? or that they didn't consult me on a problem?
- Do I imagine helping others with life-changing advice and visualize how my help could be vital to their success?
- Do I feel insecure when someone I help questions or doesn't take my advice?
- Do I fish for praise after giving advice or need the other person to acknowledge that I was helpful?
- And finally, do I feel taken advantage of like I've made a sacrifice after a stressful period of helping?
If any of these ring true for you, it may be helpful to examine what leadership means to you. If your identity is rooted in the belief that you're only important if you're solving your team's problems and giving them necessary guidance that they can't live without, perhaps it's time to consider expanding your view.
When you think about great leaders throughout history who have inspired you, what stands out most about them? Did they always have the right answer? Did they protect their team from every hardship? Or was it their inspiring vision, courage to do the right thing, the way that they challenged the status quo? maybe how they solved an impossible problem or made a big impact on the world?
Likely they had a very strong team working with them who were aligned to their mission and willing to face challenges head on.
So when you zoom out and look at the big picture, what do you want your impact and legacy to be as a leader? Take a moment to reflect on who you aspire to be and how you might start living into that more today:
- What are other leadership qualities that I can focus on more than protecting? For example, providing inspiration, innovation, building strategy, connecting people, or teaching new skills.
- What projects or responsibilities do I need to let go of that I've been hanging onto too tightly? Who else on my team might benefit from owning them instead?
- Where do I need to remove myself from the middle of situations and let someone else handle it themselves?
- Where am I being a martyr and doing too much where I don't need to?
- And finally, when I feel anxious about not helping enough, I will remember this quote by John Quincy Adams: "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more then you are a leader."
As you start to redefine your identity as a leader, to focus on bigger, more visionary things that will inspire your team and create real change, you'll find your team doesn't need you to fight fires and rescue them as much as you thought. In fact, just the act of keeping your focus at a higher altitude will start providing them the space to handle things more independently, and you'll be surprised by what they can do.
So what do you do when something goes wrong and you feel the strong urge to dive back in and fix things? You can start by taking a pause and ask yourself, what might this person be learning right now? How can I support their learning best? And in some cases, this might mean staying hands off a little bit longer or letting them take the lead first and then backing them up when they need it. Or providing them a safe space for a coaching conversation to work through the problem.
Like Steve Jobs famously said: "It doesn't make sense to hire smart people and tell them what to do. We hire smart people so they can tell us what to do."
So let's empower our teams to do what they do best and let's let them know that WE know beyond a shadow of a doubt that THEY are the ones capable of doing what they need to do, and that we are privileged to be of assistance.
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I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Worthy to Lead podcast. Tackling a topic like this isn't always easy and definitely can bring up some feelings of discomfort. Thanks for sticking with me and learning more about why over-helping and rescuing is so much less helpful than we think it is. And that what can really produce true empowerment in our teams is to build up their self-efficacy or the belief in their own capabilities.
By coaching and leaning back more to let them take the lead, we're teaching them how to think and act like leaders themselves. And these micro learning moments, when repeated over the span of a career, can have a truly profound impact on their lives.
For the complete show notes and the resources that I shared in this episode, go to: http://www.worthytoleadpodcast.com/4.
If you're enjoying this podcast, don't forget to subscribe so that you get all the new episodes as I release them. You can subscribe at: http://www.worthytoleadpodcast.com/subscribe. And I'd really appreciate it if you would share it with your friends and any other leaders in your life that need to hear this.
With that, I wish you a wonderful day and best wishes on your journey to being the worthy leaders that I know you are. Bye for now.
